an angry post.

Context: Yelled at because I am an unhealthy child who spends 99% of her day on the computer

You don't know me. Since grade 6 we have spent 2-3 hours together on the weekdays, and less on the weekends. Any by together, I meant in the same house - not actually talking to each other. Just because you see me on the computer during the time you choose to notice does NOT mean you know my life. You don't even know what's going on in my life. If you know anything, you know my schedule, but barely. As long as you get that good morning text, you're okay. You think you know what i've been up to? Let me tell you something. Today? I ate a banana, an iced tea lemonade, some sour candies, an iced coffee, and a panini. Yeah. So go for it. Tell me I'm over eating. I have no appetite. I've had a bad appetite since I got sick a month ago. You tell me to drink more water? I've BEEN drinking water. It's probably 70% of my intake anyways. But you wouldn't know that. Because you know nothing. You tell us to go out, be active, but the second I try to go out, I'm being told I need to spend time with the family. Oh I'm sorry, you meant sit in the same building as my family. You be sitting there, telling me things you think I don't know, telling me to do things I BEEN doing since time, but just because I don't announce it that mean it's not happening. You wonder why I don't tell you things? Because you don't remember anything when I tell you. If I have a get together, a work shift, an errand, an appointment there's no point in telling you ahead of time because you don't make the effort to remember it. The second I forget your plans - oh ho ho - then I'm an inattentive fool? OKAY THERE. The combined hours I've spent on my laptop this week has been under 2. So SHUT. UP. You want me to open up, and tell you things about my life? You'll just judge me anyways. I don't need any more of that. I've learned the hard way that telling you my life doesn't bring any benefit. If I'm upset, or sad you are not the people I would talk to. It hurts your feelings that I don't tell you anything? Suck it up, because it's not about to happen. I can't be honest with you anyways. I'm not going to complain to you because you can't even keep interest EVEN when you ask me how things are going. It makes my life easier to keep you as out of the loop as possible. So no. I'm done here. I DON'T spend 11 hours on my computer - in 4 days I haven't had to charge my laptop. We aren't even breathing the same air for 11 hours in a week I don't eat like a crazy fat person, I barely eat in general. I DO drink water - probably more than you do. I AM ME. And you? You don't even know who that is. What you do know? Where I work. But you don't know when I'm working, how I like my work, which coworkers i love and hate. You know where I go to school and what I study but you don't know how much i love it and what I think about it and my social life there or even what classes I take. Even when i tell you, you wouldn't be able to tell me by the end of the semester. You don't even know my phone number.


So you can sit down now, turn on your TV, feel smug about giving me a 'wakeup call' that will hopefully spark a change in me.

byeeeee

I am NOT going to Mexico

I am sad. and Embarrassed. I thought I was interviewing for my awesome job. And it turns out I interviewed for a mediocre job - no no, internship. An unpaid internship for a year? Girl please. I am sad. I am SO sad. I am depressed and I literally will be having no experience this year anywhere. What the heeeeeezy. I am sad. I keep saying that. I know. I'm sorry.. I'm just.. sad.

Moving on. Things are kinda looking up. Finding summer jobs, finding my life again. hi.
I'm sad, but life isn't over. So yeah.

Honestly.

Honestly?

Tonight was awesome. P2C Formal, mannnn. I love the girls and I want them to stay connected and get to really know them. For reals. I want to stay in touch, cause they're SO awesome.

I'm relieved I figured out the future. I'm ready to work on me and it seems like opportunities are just dropping in my lap.

I'm worried about the summer. India.. Mexico. OPTIONS.

I'm grateful, happy and excited for the upcoming year. Really. God is gonna do great things. While I may not be on track, He is. Giving letting go of control is the hardest but is the most worth it.

<3

My Mother is Not My Friend

She isn't my enemy either. She's someone I will defend and love until I die, but we aren't friends. We bond over celebrity news occasionally, talk about the Bachelor, and I help her understand things. We aren't friends. I'm her daughter and she is my mother. She loves me more than I understand and more than I appreciate. She doesn't know the real me and I don't know the real her. But she does what she must to provide for us. I don't think she knew her mother either. She worked as a child, moved away for high school and college; moved away to work in Singapore, Hong Kong and finally Canada. She never went back. She doesn't spend time on TV, or the internet (she doesn't know how to use it). If the energy bill is high, she'll unplug every accessory plugged in. She sacrifices and works hard. But she isn't my friend. She's my provider. As much as I love her, we have no common ground, and I don't think it's needed. It'd be nice to have, but the situation makes it difficult and rather than trying to get to know her I find myself trying to get out of her way.
Right now, I'm upstairs in my room. She's doing something in the kitchen. I changed the compost and garbage, made sure to eat dinner before she got home. I forgot to wash the dishes, to which I was met with an 8-minute, guilt-tripping lecture. I don't talk back to her. I should have washed the dishes. But I don't want to spend time with her because I've come to associate her with chores and things to do rather than my mom. As heartless as it seems.. it's true.

The following is true for both parents.
If I'm sick, I won't mention it until I can't leave the bed. If I need to see the doctor, they won't know unless I need a ride. Mid-terms, major exams, assignments - all unnecessary information to share unless they ask. My favourite is when they get offended that I 'never' told them ("Your exam is tomorrow?!" "Yeah, I told you that last week, when you asked me."). I feel like our relationship is business. But I hear my friends' stories about how they consult with their parents with life problems, and major decisions. I envy that. I stopped asking for help with homework in elementary school when I realized that I had to explain to them what exactly it was that I was learning. I don't know. It just feels like I had my back. Of course I'm overlooking the money, love, and energy they put into providing the basic necessities, but I'm talking about how it felt to me. Make no mistake, I have never questioned the fact that they love me. It was just different from what I understood a parent's demonstration of love to be.

Honestly, I don't desire to have her as a friend, but it's something I'd like I guess. I just can't see her as such. I don't wanna bother her, I spend my life trying not to make hers harder than it needs to be. But love her incredibly.
I don't mean this as a complaint piece, just something I've observed. She isn't my friend. And that's true.

Bravery

He told her today. I'm so proud and sad that this drama is over. But good for him. She'll say no cause she's not interested. I commend his courage today. He knew, he had to know she wouldn't reciprocate. But what else do you hope for when you tell a girl you like her and don't expect anything in return? The goals weren't clear and he told her too soon, like I said he would. This is why I never say anything. I don't want to get shut down ever. But that also means I never get what I want. I'm definitely a safe than sorry person. One day.
Welp, it's all downhill from here I'd say. She'll say she doesn't want a relationship/it was unexpected/isn't interested. Then it'll be awkward. They won't be friend anymore. He'll go back to being mopey when it was all his fault anyways. But will he have regrets? I think so. But knowing all this, he still went for it. Bravery, people.

Relief.

No, I'm still rejected from that school. And the standards from that second school are much, much higher, so I'm letting myself down before they officially do shut my academic dreams down. Funny enough though, these past 1.5 - 2 weeks have also been stressful because my contact at the Indian NGO hasn't been getting back to me. I emailed him with a bunch of questions and it looked as if I was about to get shut down, so things were looking bleak. I got a response though, so my summer plans are safe! Thank God. Literally, though – Thank the Lord God Almighty who reigns over this sorry human who is supposed to spend her limited time on Earth worshipping and making disciples.

Remember that Spiritual epiphany I had last time? I had some time to talk with Him. Maybe it was all just thinking. Either way, once I got the email back, I immediately resorted to legalism. Kind of like a ‘I scratch your back, you scratch mine’ type deal. Then He reminded me that this ain’t about me, and He’s graciously good to me all the time, and He’s BEEN good to me during my 6 months of drifting. Actually though.

I felt like my life was over when I got the rejection. But I’m not one to mope around. I hate that. If it seems like everything is going wrong you endure. You don’t sit there and cry, because crying most literally gets you nowhere. It gets you wet hands, a ruined shirt, a red face that takes 3 hours to normalize after, and removed foundation for your face. No. When in a tough situation and all goes wrong you get up and find that solution and at the end of the day you get in your bed and then you let it all out. Easy part comes last. It’s like a reward. I’m not one for bottling emotions, but I will say that there is a place and time to act appropriately and 9/10 times it is not in public and not when your emotions are in charge of your body instead of your brain.

How we moved from relief to life lessons is ridiculous. Just thought you should know. But yeah. Next step is to wait for my final exams to come out, buy that ticket, and tell select friends until I randomly disappear.

Rejection

So I got rejected from 1 of 2 Master's programs I applied to. I'm okay. It makes sense I guess. I'm actually more concerned about how my parents will take it. I don't like to let them down. Not going to lie this makes my other application look dim. I'm slightly freaking out. Trying not to cause that does absolutely nothing to help and it means I'm not moving on. So we're working on that.

He's trying to get my attention. I haven't been talking to Him about it and I haven't been thinking about Him or considering His role in my life.. or the fact that He is the main focus of my life. I don't want to turn to Him just because I need something, but at the same time this IS the sign I need to stop looking at me and look at Him. Sorry.

I don't know what's happening. My focuses are being challenged. What I value is being challenged.
I must become less, He must become more.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what happens when you look at you for too long and ignore the warning signs. He gets your attention cause He is jealous for me.