Bravery

He told her today. I'm so proud and sad that this drama is over. But good for him. She'll say no cause she's not interested. I commend his courage today. He knew, he had to know she wouldn't reciprocate. But what else do you hope for when you tell a girl you like her and don't expect anything in return? The goals weren't clear and he told her too soon, like I said he would. This is why I never say anything. I don't want to get shut down ever. But that also means I never get what I want. I'm definitely a safe than sorry person. One day.
Welp, it's all downhill from here I'd say. She'll say she doesn't want a relationship/it was unexpected/isn't interested. Then it'll be awkward. They won't be friend anymore. He'll go back to being mopey when it was all his fault anyways. But will he have regrets? I think so. But knowing all this, he still went for it. Bravery, people.

Relief.

No, I'm still rejected from that school. And the standards from that second school are much, much higher, so I'm letting myself down before they officially do shut my academic dreams down. Funny enough though, these past 1.5 - 2 weeks have also been stressful because my contact at the Indian NGO hasn't been getting back to me. I emailed him with a bunch of questions and it looked as if I was about to get shut down, so things were looking bleak. I got a response though, so my summer plans are safe! Thank God. Literally, though – Thank the Lord God Almighty who reigns over this sorry human who is supposed to spend her limited time on Earth worshipping and making disciples.

Remember that Spiritual epiphany I had last time? I had some time to talk with Him. Maybe it was all just thinking. Either way, once I got the email back, I immediately resorted to legalism. Kind of like a ‘I scratch your back, you scratch mine’ type deal. Then He reminded me that this ain’t about me, and He’s graciously good to me all the time, and He’s BEEN good to me during my 6 months of drifting. Actually though.

I felt like my life was over when I got the rejection. But I’m not one to mope around. I hate that. If it seems like everything is going wrong you endure. You don’t sit there and cry, because crying most literally gets you nowhere. It gets you wet hands, a ruined shirt, a red face that takes 3 hours to normalize after, and removed foundation for your face. No. When in a tough situation and all goes wrong you get up and find that solution and at the end of the day you get in your bed and then you let it all out. Easy part comes last. It’s like a reward. I’m not one for bottling emotions, but I will say that there is a place and time to act appropriately and 9/10 times it is not in public and not when your emotions are in charge of your body instead of your brain.

How we moved from relief to life lessons is ridiculous. Just thought you should know. But yeah. Next step is to wait for my final exams to come out, buy that ticket, and tell select friends until I randomly disappear.

Rejection

So I got rejected from 1 of 2 Master's programs I applied to. I'm okay. It makes sense I guess. I'm actually more concerned about how my parents will take it. I don't like to let them down. Not going to lie this makes my other application look dim. I'm slightly freaking out. Trying not to cause that does absolutely nothing to help and it means I'm not moving on. So we're working on that.

He's trying to get my attention. I haven't been talking to Him about it and I haven't been thinking about Him or considering His role in my life.. or the fact that He is the main focus of my life. I don't want to turn to Him just because I need something, but at the same time this IS the sign I need to stop looking at me and look at Him. Sorry.

I don't know what's happening. My focuses are being challenged. What I value is being challenged.
I must become less, He must become more.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what happens when you look at you for too long and ignore the warning signs. He gets your attention cause He is jealous for me.

Kay 3.0

Things have changed recently. Extremely recently. I don't know what it is, but I've stopped procrastinating in the past 3 days. I don't know what it is but I am doing things I would put off to the last minute. Okay, still pretty close to the last minute, but I'm getting there. I mean like I genuinely care about what I'm submitting work-wise. Oh hey hard-worker me - haven't seen you since high school. Thanks for showing up in my last semester of university. Cool, oh no I've just been chilling. Nah, I'm cool. At least she showed up when I needed her. I should mention I'm not procrastinating right now. It isn't the early morning, it's not even midnight yet. It'll be 11 soon, so I'll be taking some sleeping pills to readjust my sleep schedule. I don't know but I think I actually care now. It isn't because of my worry over my graduate applications (although those are occasionally in my thoughts), but I'm putting in effort. Kudos to caring! But straight up, I think I've been getting some self-respect or something. Like I genuinely want to be my best for me. I want to represent me as awesome. Honestly, I usually just care about immersing myself in the world of Netflix/TV/Tumblr or recently, the Olympics (Go Canada GO!). But I haven't seen the Olympics since Monday. I've seen my library a lot, and I don't know why. I just find myself there. I think having more deadlines and expectations is finally causing me to care and do things. Awesome. Self growth goin on. heeeeey. 

[X]

I'm gonna say this is the era of me 3.0. Version 1 was me in high school. Fortunately there I realized much more quickly to apply myself and get grades that didn't take as much effort as I thought. 2.0 Was me until now. I thought that being adequate was good enough. I'm just now realizing that Kay 3.0 can do awesome things with a little more work than high school. It's actually not so bad. I'm happy.

THIS IS HAPPENING

Exciting news y’all! I am India bound for the summer! Yes yes, from May- July/August I’ve secured an internship in India. Oh man. No idea where this is going, but I’m excited, terrified, overwhelmed and confused all at once. I need more details on what exactly will happen during my trip.. but yes! I’d say I’m more relieved than anything to have a summer job haha. Here we gooooo!

I haven't told anyone what's going on yet. I wanna keep it quiet until it's like 2 weeks before I leave. I'm weird like that. I just want things to be definite before the public knows. LOL "the public".. like I'm famous or something.

THE FUTURE

So maybe my life isn't as messed up as I initially thought it to be. Maybe my future/life after graduation could be something legit. I'm not 100% sure, but right now I'm in an excited mood. Like the feeling I had when I was going to Peru. Adventurous. Yes exactly. Last night's second round interview for an India internship went really well! Definitely overthought everything. It turned out to be an 8+ minute interview and he literally sped through the questions. Good news everyone (a la Professor Farnsworth)! Accommodation is provided, and I gets paiiiiiid! I was told it wasn't a lot, but yes, I will be getting paid as much as the other interns. This could be real.. I don't want to get too excited, and I don't even know what internship I would be getting.. Hell, I don't even have a position. I was told that they'd look into things for me to do, so I guess we'll see. In more future related news, I've come up with a backup plan incase that Master's program doesn't work out (Which I'm REALLY REALLY hoping it will. Must work on grades). I can do a certificate program at my university for Project Management (relevant, no?) and do internships while working cause I'm pretty sure it's a night class for adults furthering their studies. I've also applied to volunteer for a Policy Researcher for an NGO, and hoping to hear back from them soon. Filled and sent in my application to be an Assistant Researcher for another NGO for a position in.. HONG KONG. Not sure if I'll even get to hear back from that one, cause y'know.. there are people out there who actually know what they're doing and who knows how many people applied cause it was posted internationally and yo what if I'm 1/250 people who applied, ugh I'm probably not gonna get it buy MAYBE JUST MAYBE. Or maybe I'll see every single plan fall and just hang at home and work twice a week trying to pay off my bills. #sadness (FYI hashtags are very in right now, future me. Trust me, it's totally relevant).

So yeah, I think time will tell for the future.

In non-related news, I had the strangest encounter with some first years. These two guys wanted to share my study room (No one ever asks that. Ever.) so I told them they could have it since I was gonna leave in 20 minutes. They then thought that I meant they could come on in - I didn't. I meant come back in 20. We bonded over Childish Gambino and then asked me to rate them. I gave Douchebag Asian a 6, cause he was alright, but needed a reality check. I gave Nice Black Guy a 7 cause he dressed nice and was a decent non-douchebag. Anyways they tried to creep my name from my Starbucks cup which didn't have my name on it. We settled for Beyonce. I ended up leaving earlier than I wanted cause I wasn't bout to sit there was make fetus friends. The interaction ended with Nice Black Guy telling me to 'Follow me on Twitter! Thanks, Beyoncé!' It's nice to be the recipient of attention and have this so unexpected interaction. Defs and ego booster especially since.. yeah (Future me: naw mean?). But yeah, fun story.

OUCH.

I hurt in two different ways today.
1) Insanity. I did the Insanity workout yesterday. I couldn't even do the entire thing. I used to be able to struggle through it. I lasted like 20ish minutes. The main guy (Shawn/Shaun?) is awesome. I enjoy that he struggles too. I really like that they struggle - it makes it so real. But I'm pretty sure I yelled at him half the time. My legs were shaking after it, and I started aching like and hour after it happened. I had trouble sitting last night. I woke up this morning afraid to move. And then I got up. PAAAAIIIIIIIIN. I can't even. It's like every move I make hurts. The stairs are the worst. Going to work pretending like you don't have this body crippling pain is the worst. It's like hiding cramps on the regular (which we ladies do FLAWLESSLY), except the your whole body is having cramps. I dropped a pen. I almost cried (being dramatic. But it HURT).

2) TFiOS Book/Trailer.
Finished this horrid book. I forgot how much I love to read. The feels. I'm a terrible person.. I didn't cry. Then I saw the trailer.. and I cried. It was embarrassing. Then I watched the trailer more. My heart.

Kbye