an angry post.

Context: Yelled at because I am an unhealthy child who spends 99% of her day on the computer

You don't know me. Since grade 6 we have spent 2-3 hours together on the weekdays, and less on the weekends. Any by together, I meant in the same house - not actually talking to each other. Just because you see me on the computer during the time you choose to notice does NOT mean you know my life. You don't even know what's going on in my life. If you know anything, you know my schedule, but barely. As long as you get that good morning text, you're okay. You think you know what i've been up to? Let me tell you something. Today? I ate a banana, an iced tea lemonade, some sour candies, an iced coffee, and a panini. Yeah. So go for it. Tell me I'm over eating. I have no appetite. I've had a bad appetite since I got sick a month ago. You tell me to drink more water? I've BEEN drinking water. It's probably 70% of my intake anyways. But you wouldn't know that. Because you know nothing. You tell us to go out, be active, but the second I try to go out, I'm being told I need to spend time with the family. Oh I'm sorry, you meant sit in the same building as my family. You be sitting there, telling me things you think I don't know, telling me to do things I BEEN doing since time, but just because I don't announce it that mean it's not happening. You wonder why I don't tell you things? Because you don't remember anything when I tell you. If I have a get together, a work shift, an errand, an appointment there's no point in telling you ahead of time because you don't make the effort to remember it. The second I forget your plans - oh ho ho - then I'm an inattentive fool? OKAY THERE. The combined hours I've spent on my laptop this week has been under 2. So SHUT. UP. You want me to open up, and tell you things about my life? You'll just judge me anyways. I don't need any more of that. I've learned the hard way that telling you my life doesn't bring any benefit. If I'm upset, or sad you are not the people I would talk to. It hurts your feelings that I don't tell you anything? Suck it up, because it's not about to happen. I can't be honest with you anyways. I'm not going to complain to you because you can't even keep interest EVEN when you ask me how things are going. It makes my life easier to keep you as out of the loop as possible. So no. I'm done here. I DON'T spend 11 hours on my computer - in 4 days I haven't had to charge my laptop. We aren't even breathing the same air for 11 hours in a week I don't eat like a crazy fat person, I barely eat in general. I DO drink water - probably more than you do. I AM ME. And you? You don't even know who that is. What you do know? Where I work. But you don't know when I'm working, how I like my work, which coworkers i love and hate. You know where I go to school and what I study but you don't know how much i love it and what I think about it and my social life there or even what classes I take. Even when i tell you, you wouldn't be able to tell me by the end of the semester. You don't even know my phone number.


So you can sit down now, turn on your TV, feel smug about giving me a 'wakeup call' that will hopefully spark a change in me.

byeeeee

I am NOT going to Mexico

I am sad. and Embarrassed. I thought I was interviewing for my awesome job. And it turns out I interviewed for a mediocre job - no no, internship. An unpaid internship for a year? Girl please. I am sad. I am SO sad. I am depressed and I literally will be having no experience this year anywhere. What the heeeeeezy. I am sad. I keep saying that. I know. I'm sorry.. I'm just.. sad.

Moving on. Things are kinda looking up. Finding summer jobs, finding my life again. hi.
I'm sad, but life isn't over. So yeah.

Honestly.

Honestly?

Tonight was awesome. P2C Formal, mannnn. I love the girls and I want them to stay connected and get to really know them. For reals. I want to stay in touch, cause they're SO awesome.

I'm relieved I figured out the future. I'm ready to work on me and it seems like opportunities are just dropping in my lap.

I'm worried about the summer. India.. Mexico. OPTIONS.

I'm grateful, happy and excited for the upcoming year. Really. God is gonna do great things. While I may not be on track, He is. Giving letting go of control is the hardest but is the most worth it.

<3

My Mother is Not My Friend

She isn't my enemy either. She's someone I will defend and love until I die, but we aren't friends. We bond over celebrity news occasionally, talk about the Bachelor, and I help her understand things. We aren't friends. I'm her daughter and she is my mother. She loves me more than I understand and more than I appreciate. She doesn't know the real me and I don't know the real her. But she does what she must to provide for us. I don't think she knew her mother either. She worked as a child, moved away for high school and college; moved away to work in Singapore, Hong Kong and finally Canada. She never went back. She doesn't spend time on TV, or the internet (she doesn't know how to use it). If the energy bill is high, she'll unplug every accessory plugged in. She sacrifices and works hard. But she isn't my friend. She's my provider. As much as I love her, we have no common ground, and I don't think it's needed. It'd be nice to have, but the situation makes it difficult and rather than trying to get to know her I find myself trying to get out of her way.
Right now, I'm upstairs in my room. She's doing something in the kitchen. I changed the compost and garbage, made sure to eat dinner before she got home. I forgot to wash the dishes, to which I was met with an 8-minute, guilt-tripping lecture. I don't talk back to her. I should have washed the dishes. But I don't want to spend time with her because I've come to associate her with chores and things to do rather than my mom. As heartless as it seems.. it's true.

The following is true for both parents.
If I'm sick, I won't mention it until I can't leave the bed. If I need to see the doctor, they won't know unless I need a ride. Mid-terms, major exams, assignments - all unnecessary information to share unless they ask. My favourite is when they get offended that I 'never' told them ("Your exam is tomorrow?!" "Yeah, I told you that last week, when you asked me."). I feel like our relationship is business. But I hear my friends' stories about how they consult with their parents with life problems, and major decisions. I envy that. I stopped asking for help with homework in elementary school when I realized that I had to explain to them what exactly it was that I was learning. I don't know. It just feels like I had my back. Of course I'm overlooking the money, love, and energy they put into providing the basic necessities, but I'm talking about how it felt to me. Make no mistake, I have never questioned the fact that they love me. It was just different from what I understood a parent's demonstration of love to be.

Honestly, I don't desire to have her as a friend, but it's something I'd like I guess. I just can't see her as such. I don't wanna bother her, I spend my life trying not to make hers harder than it needs to be. But love her incredibly.
I don't mean this as a complaint piece, just something I've observed. She isn't my friend. And that's true.

Bravery

He told her today. I'm so proud and sad that this drama is over. But good for him. She'll say no cause she's not interested. I commend his courage today. He knew, he had to know she wouldn't reciprocate. But what else do you hope for when you tell a girl you like her and don't expect anything in return? The goals weren't clear and he told her too soon, like I said he would. This is why I never say anything. I don't want to get shut down ever. But that also means I never get what I want. I'm definitely a safe than sorry person. One day.
Welp, it's all downhill from here I'd say. She'll say she doesn't want a relationship/it was unexpected/isn't interested. Then it'll be awkward. They won't be friend anymore. He'll go back to being mopey when it was all his fault anyways. But will he have regrets? I think so. But knowing all this, he still went for it. Bravery, people.

Relief.

No, I'm still rejected from that school. And the standards from that second school are much, much higher, so I'm letting myself down before they officially do shut my academic dreams down. Funny enough though, these past 1.5 - 2 weeks have also been stressful because my contact at the Indian NGO hasn't been getting back to me. I emailed him with a bunch of questions and it looked as if I was about to get shut down, so things were looking bleak. I got a response though, so my summer plans are safe! Thank God. Literally, though – Thank the Lord God Almighty who reigns over this sorry human who is supposed to spend her limited time on Earth worshipping and making disciples.

Remember that Spiritual epiphany I had last time? I had some time to talk with Him. Maybe it was all just thinking. Either way, once I got the email back, I immediately resorted to legalism. Kind of like a ‘I scratch your back, you scratch mine’ type deal. Then He reminded me that this ain’t about me, and He’s graciously good to me all the time, and He’s BEEN good to me during my 6 months of drifting. Actually though.

I felt like my life was over when I got the rejection. But I’m not one to mope around. I hate that. If it seems like everything is going wrong you endure. You don’t sit there and cry, because crying most literally gets you nowhere. It gets you wet hands, a ruined shirt, a red face that takes 3 hours to normalize after, and removed foundation for your face. No. When in a tough situation and all goes wrong you get up and find that solution and at the end of the day you get in your bed and then you let it all out. Easy part comes last. It’s like a reward. I’m not one for bottling emotions, but I will say that there is a place and time to act appropriately and 9/10 times it is not in public and not when your emotions are in charge of your body instead of your brain.

How we moved from relief to life lessons is ridiculous. Just thought you should know. But yeah. Next step is to wait for my final exams to come out, buy that ticket, and tell select friends until I randomly disappear.

Rejection

So I got rejected from 1 of 2 Master's programs I applied to. I'm okay. It makes sense I guess. I'm actually more concerned about how my parents will take it. I don't like to let them down. Not going to lie this makes my other application look dim. I'm slightly freaking out. Trying not to cause that does absolutely nothing to help and it means I'm not moving on. So we're working on that.

He's trying to get my attention. I haven't been talking to Him about it and I haven't been thinking about Him or considering His role in my life.. or the fact that He is the main focus of my life. I don't want to turn to Him just because I need something, but at the same time this IS the sign I need to stop looking at me and look at Him. Sorry.

I don't know what's happening. My focuses are being challenged. What I value is being challenged.
I must become less, He must become more.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what happens when you look at you for too long and ignore the warning signs. He gets your attention cause He is jealous for me.

Kay 3.0

Things have changed recently. Extremely recently. I don't know what it is, but I've stopped procrastinating in the past 3 days. I don't know what it is but I am doing things I would put off to the last minute. Okay, still pretty close to the last minute, but I'm getting there. I mean like I genuinely care about what I'm submitting work-wise. Oh hey hard-worker me - haven't seen you since high school. Thanks for showing up in my last semester of university. Cool, oh no I've just been chilling. Nah, I'm cool. At least she showed up when I needed her. I should mention I'm not procrastinating right now. It isn't the early morning, it's not even midnight yet. It'll be 11 soon, so I'll be taking some sleeping pills to readjust my sleep schedule. I don't know but I think I actually care now. It isn't because of my worry over my graduate applications (although those are occasionally in my thoughts), but I'm putting in effort. Kudos to caring! But straight up, I think I've been getting some self-respect or something. Like I genuinely want to be my best for me. I want to represent me as awesome. Honestly, I usually just care about immersing myself in the world of Netflix/TV/Tumblr or recently, the Olympics (Go Canada GO!). But I haven't seen the Olympics since Monday. I've seen my library a lot, and I don't know why. I just find myself there. I think having more deadlines and expectations is finally causing me to care and do things. Awesome. Self growth goin on. heeeeey. 

[X]

I'm gonna say this is the era of me 3.0. Version 1 was me in high school. Fortunately there I realized much more quickly to apply myself and get grades that didn't take as much effort as I thought. 2.0 Was me until now. I thought that being adequate was good enough. I'm just now realizing that Kay 3.0 can do awesome things with a little more work than high school. It's actually not so bad. I'm happy.

THIS IS HAPPENING

Exciting news y’all! I am India bound for the summer! Yes yes, from May- July/August I’ve secured an internship in India. Oh man. No idea where this is going, but I’m excited, terrified, overwhelmed and confused all at once. I need more details on what exactly will happen during my trip.. but yes! I’d say I’m more relieved than anything to have a summer job haha. Here we gooooo!

I haven't told anyone what's going on yet. I wanna keep it quiet until it's like 2 weeks before I leave. I'm weird like that. I just want things to be definite before the public knows. LOL "the public".. like I'm famous or something.

THE FUTURE

So maybe my life isn't as messed up as I initially thought it to be. Maybe my future/life after graduation could be something legit. I'm not 100% sure, but right now I'm in an excited mood. Like the feeling I had when I was going to Peru. Adventurous. Yes exactly. Last night's second round interview for an India internship went really well! Definitely overthought everything. It turned out to be an 8+ minute interview and he literally sped through the questions. Good news everyone (a la Professor Farnsworth)! Accommodation is provided, and I gets paiiiiiid! I was told it wasn't a lot, but yes, I will be getting paid as much as the other interns. This could be real.. I don't want to get too excited, and I don't even know what internship I would be getting.. Hell, I don't even have a position. I was told that they'd look into things for me to do, so I guess we'll see. In more future related news, I've come up with a backup plan incase that Master's program doesn't work out (Which I'm REALLY REALLY hoping it will. Must work on grades). I can do a certificate program at my university for Project Management (relevant, no?) and do internships while working cause I'm pretty sure it's a night class for adults furthering their studies. I've also applied to volunteer for a Policy Researcher for an NGO, and hoping to hear back from them soon. Filled and sent in my application to be an Assistant Researcher for another NGO for a position in.. HONG KONG. Not sure if I'll even get to hear back from that one, cause y'know.. there are people out there who actually know what they're doing and who knows how many people applied cause it was posted internationally and yo what if I'm 1/250 people who applied, ugh I'm probably not gonna get it buy MAYBE JUST MAYBE. Or maybe I'll see every single plan fall and just hang at home and work twice a week trying to pay off my bills. #sadness (FYI hashtags are very in right now, future me. Trust me, it's totally relevant).

So yeah, I think time will tell for the future.

In non-related news, I had the strangest encounter with some first years. These two guys wanted to share my study room (No one ever asks that. Ever.) so I told them they could have it since I was gonna leave in 20 minutes. They then thought that I meant they could come on in - I didn't. I meant come back in 20. We bonded over Childish Gambino and then asked me to rate them. I gave Douchebag Asian a 6, cause he was alright, but needed a reality check. I gave Nice Black Guy a 7 cause he dressed nice and was a decent non-douchebag. Anyways they tried to creep my name from my Starbucks cup which didn't have my name on it. We settled for Beyonce. I ended up leaving earlier than I wanted cause I wasn't bout to sit there was make fetus friends. The interaction ended with Nice Black Guy telling me to 'Follow me on Twitter! Thanks, Beyoncé!' It's nice to be the recipient of attention and have this so unexpected interaction. Defs and ego booster especially since.. yeah (Future me: naw mean?). But yeah, fun story.

OUCH.

I hurt in two different ways today.
1) Insanity. I did the Insanity workout yesterday. I couldn't even do the entire thing. I used to be able to struggle through it. I lasted like 20ish minutes. The main guy (Shawn/Shaun?) is awesome. I enjoy that he struggles too. I really like that they struggle - it makes it so real. But I'm pretty sure I yelled at him half the time. My legs were shaking after it, and I started aching like and hour after it happened. I had trouble sitting last night. I woke up this morning afraid to move. And then I got up. PAAAAIIIIIIIIN. I can't even. It's like every move I make hurts. The stairs are the worst. Going to work pretending like you don't have this body crippling pain is the worst. It's like hiding cramps on the regular (which we ladies do FLAWLESSLY), except the your whole body is having cramps. I dropped a pen. I almost cried (being dramatic. But it HURT).

2) TFiOS Book/Trailer.
Finished this horrid book. I forgot how much I love to read. The feels. I'm a terrible person.. I didn't cry. Then I saw the trailer.. and I cried. It was embarrassing. Then I watched the trailer more. My heart.

Kbye

INDIA, MAC & FRIENDS

My prof compared Miley Cyrus to a Nazi. Just thought that one would be for the books. So, today was something else!

I just finished what I think was an interview for a possible internship in I N D I A. Yes, halfway across the world. I think I have the job since I've got a follow up. My only concern is money. I'm in intense debt since Peru because my parents didn't exactly do what they said they would. I would LOVE for this to be paid.. but how do ask if that's a possibility? They asked me if I had a budget.. ummm. Not promising. I'm gonna keep looking.
Changing my computer battery tomorrow. Bye bye paycheck. This is what I get. But this Macbook has been so good to me for 4 years.. time to treat it! Gotta back up my computer. I haven't been sleeping much, so I guess I have the time. 
A couple days ago, I had a spiritual awakening. The same day, I found out a friend of mine had been praying for me. Crazy. I seriously appreciate it. It's nice to know people care, y'know? 

Anyways.. Gotta go.

This Cover is my Jam

Betty Who - You're In Love

Salsa Job Hunting

Not what you think. Got an internship offer that's 2 months longer than I can do.. might not get it. Applying for a job I'm actually qualified to do, but across the world. Hoping I'll get it. Avoiding doing the last two questions cause they're a pain in the butt and I probably won't be getting the job anyways. And then I decided to learn Salsa dancing from a white male... at 2am. Totally casual..

Aside from that my day was pretty unusual. I decided to stay late at school and had an awesome time at Power to Change, met up with a girl I didn't know twice and while it was definitely awkward, I think we became better acquainted because of it. Met up with an old friend and caught up. Didn't hang out.. just caught up. Anyways. No too shabby. My sleep schedule is messed tho. At least I can now salsa naturally!

January's Ending

I've been slacking, and stressing, and for some reason.. today I've got my life together. My Grad applications are ready, did three assignments and handed them in on time. Oh, but I missed my class today. And I didn't go to the gym. I did get some awesome notebooks on sale. 

Spiritually, I realize I've been selfish. I've been expecting the church to provide for me and tend to my needs (/desires). Sorry.

I wish I was more together with my life. I wish I knew where this was going. I wish I could redo university. Fortunately I don't have that power. I'd probably mess it all up. Again. Enough with the regrets and sob story. Sorry.

I feel stagnant. Like, I have nothing going on in my life aside from school and work and church and I feel like I have no friends to hang out with, even though I have plenty of friends in my classes. I don't know. I feel so unsatisfied. 

EPIPHANY. Literally right now. Trying to fill the void with earth. He's calling me. SHoooooot. How did I not see this. How did I let it get so bad. Vanity, everything is vanity. Ecclesiastes 1:14 "I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and a striving after wind."

LOLS.

3 days. That's a pretty good record, right? This is a lot harder than it looks.
So class started again. Kind of hating - Oh, I don't know.. ALL my classes. k like 2/5 of my classes. Less than half of my classes. A 4th year PoliSci class where it's 5 weeks of debates. Ummm no thanks. BUT no midterm, no final, no paper. NO PAPER. That never happens. I'll probably stick with it. Then I've got a night class, but it's one of the easiest classes. Anyways, enough with uni dramz. Onto other uni dramz. Master's application is due next week. I need to write a letter...yeah..

Onto personal issues. My walk with God is suffering. Rather than talking to my close friends about it, I find myself just telling other friends in Christ, but ones that I think are more accountable. I also think they're more mature and for some reason, they ask different questions I haven't been thinking about. I have talked to God about it. I have. Not as much as I should (but then again how much should I?) nor am I doing anything to pursue Him. I'm not about to DQ it up in here about my in depth feelings.

I Got My Life Back Together?

Super productive and yet unproductive today. I applied for some jobs, applied and spent actual effort looking into and filling out applications for summer internships and submitted one of two Master's applications. I also found a course to switch into while keeping my graduation requirements. Like whoa there. At the same time I successfully avoided a day at the gym, and managed to finish the 4th season of Arrested Development on Netflix. I almost got sucked into the House of Cards, but remembered my new addiction to Downton Abbey. Priorities, right? Still behind on my YouTube subscriptions.

I saw Wolf of Wall Street. DAYUM that movie was 18+ for a reason. I think I've gotten a bit more insensitive to the sexuality in cinema. Need to address and talk to God about that.

Didn't go to youth today because my sister was sick. Not sure if that was an excuse for my laziness today or if it was legitimate. I meant, I go without her on an almost weekly basis, but since she's home it's like we're attached. On top of that, CM pissed me off cause he wanted a favour and while I did say yes, that was before my sister got sick. Since I wasn't going out anymore I couldn't do that favour and then he pretended to care. Excuuuse me -  don't play on your concern for me when you're actually concerned for yoself. Let's be real. I'm not mad, I'm just ticked off. Lame choice of words, but accurate. I do feel guilty for not going though. I mean it seemed legit when it happened, but I also was asking for it. I kept checking to see if we were gonna go when it was only she who was sick. I mean I could've gone, not a big deal. Laziness consumes me. I almost didn't even write this. I figure I should at least let this resolution live for a week right?

Time to Get That Life Back Together

UGH okay, so real life (School) is coming back next Monday. UGH. I had plans for my break you know. I was gonna read spiritual and general books, get out and connect with nature (lame, but awesome), get healthy, be on that gym lyfe.. and yeah.. didn't really happen. and now we're back to school. Ew. Did I mention I also need a job? Current job just got slow after that wonderfully busy Christmas month.
Got a temporary driver's license today. Final test in a week! Freedom.

Not quite eventful today. Froze half my feet off because I missed my bus. Twice.
Haven't showered in a while. Should probably. TMI.

New Year, New Me - Not

So doubtful on the actual commitment that's about to go down right now. Okay, so my resolution is to keep a journal/diary thing. I bought a notebook. Then I remembered how much I hate writing. Like physical writing. It hurts my hand, I'm a baby.. I know. 

So let's update, shall we?

Recently I have: 

Applied for graduation: Goodbye Uni!
Applied for Master's programs: Hello more uni. Super skeptical on this, as my grades aren't what I thought they'd be. Meh.
Had my driver's license expire: Been meaning to schedule that test. Turns out other people book their tests too. Tons of them. On the day you need to do your test. Hmm.
Spent way too much money: Still paying off that trip to Peru (Sidenote: there was a trip to Peru!). Can't forget Christmas shopping/Boxing Day either! On the plus side, I've been working a ton, so that should cover it all up.
Joined a gym: This actually happened in December. Tomorrow, the gym'll be full of resolution makers. Bleh.
Been to CrossCon! Awesome experience. Not what I thought it would be, at the same time - not where I thought I'd be. Was a good eye opener to my initial thoughts on missions work and 'the call'.

Had Drama: (TLDR) High School BFF's being a bit dramatic because 'I don't miss her', I believe. Mutual friend informed me because she won't call me out on it herself. I texted her a bit, and it wasn't good enough AND she credited herself for that interaction. SO not into that dramz anymore and trying to let it go. 

Today: Movies. LOTR 1 Extended edition all day long, I swear. I'm trying to see the awesomeness that apparently everyone else sees. Wolf on Wall Street later today with the sister. Contemplating changing this blog name. It's kinda lame, and I was trying to be cool. Still am.